A Lost Valentine

8 Feb

Valentine’s Day is not until next Saturday but as it one of the most commercial holidays of the year, we will soon be bombarded with commercials promoting flowers, chocolate and diamond rings. So Valentine’s Day is on my mind but not for reasons you might think. 

Perhaps because I saw my father give too many different women roses and chocolate, I learned long ago that you can’t buy people’s love and that romance doesn’t automatically equate with a depth relationship. In fact, I was already on guard in the fourth grade when Jimmy R. – the cutest and nicest boy in the class gave me a porcelain unicorn and I told him, “Thank you very much,” and then promptly returned it. His sister was furious with me claiming I’d broken his heart and my mother wasn’t so pleased either. But I was sure taking the unicorn meant we would have to go steady and I feared that would interfere with Girl Scouts and ballet class. Needless to say, I am still a little wary of it all. 

But this Valentine’s day I will be sad; I am already sad. And no it isn’t because I’m single. It’s because my one true Valentine has always been my mother. While we never had a close-knit relationship, without fail, my mother always sent me a card on February 14th- even last year when she was in jail and had to mail me one from her cell. And now she is gone. There will be no Valentine this year from mom. I wish I could send her one but I don’t know the postal code in heaven.

Because my mom committed suicide, someone last week asked if it troubles me that she isn’t in heaven. I was more disturbed by the question because I have to believe that she is there. She was Catholic and I went over this issue in-depth with her priest and nun. Both individuals knew my mom and her addictions/depression pretty well. They reassured me that my mom was a good person; that God always shows Mercy. The priest quoted Matthew 11:28. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest,” claiming that my mom could finally give it up and be with God.

The only time I have worried that my mom isn’t with God came after a bad dream. In the dream, she called on the telephone and I asked her how things were going (in heaven). And she paused and said, “Well, not so good…” And suddenly I realized we had another series of calamities on her plate with which to contend. But after I woke up from the dream, I concluded it represented past crisis’.  While I’ve had many prophetic dreams (including the one of her death), I simply don’t believe she is in hell. 

So this Valentine’s, I am missing my mom. I have bought a few cards to send to family members – trying to keep my mom’s tradition alive. 

In church on Friday night, the music worship leader paused between songs and asked us to feel Jesus’ presence right there before us. I closed my eyes and could literarily see and feel His Essence in front of me. Next to Him was my mom; I couldn’t sense her presence as strong as His but she was there with Him.

Maybe I got my Valentine after all…

2 Responses to “A Lost Valentine”

  1. bub February 9, 2009 at 9:46 pm #

    That must have been a great feeling. I’ve often wondered that same question about my mom and dad. I know when my father was passing my sister was frantic to have him accept Jesus into his heart. I don’t know if she succeeded or not. I know that he loved God. He was a very devout man (my parents were catholic). Do we as evangelical Christians get too hung up on having to say the little prayer that Ed says at the end of service to get to heaven? Can a lifetime of worshiping the Lord not matter because they didn’t ask Jesus into their hearts in the prescribed manner? I have a hard time believing that. Who in the world would ask you that kind of question? That seems awful presumptuous to assume that any human knows who and for what reasons God will let you into heaven. Sorry that someone would even say that to you.

  2. lisesletters February 9, 2009 at 10:55 pm #

    Bub, You raise many big questions here that I don’t begin to know the answers to. But I think I lean towards your train of thought. The person who asked me the question meant no harm and has a heart of gold. It was just one of those moments where I realized we all have different perceptions of things. Hope to see you at Journey Up. Lise

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